“Tracy Does Conan”
by
Tina Fe
Directed by
Adam Bernstein
Executive Producers: Lorne Michaels
Tina Fey
JoAnn Alfano
Marci Klein
David Miner
Broadway Video Television SHOOTING DRAFT – 9/29/06
254 West 54th St, 11th Floor
New York, NY 10019
ã 2006 BY NBC STUDIOS, INC.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOT TO BE DUPLICATED WITHOUT PERMISSION.
This material is property of NBC Studios, Inc. and is intended solely for use by its personnel. The sale, copying, reproduction or exploitation of this material in any form is prohibited. Distribution or disclosure of this material to unauthorized persons is prohibited.
CAST LIST
LIZ .............…………………………….....……………………………...…….............TINA FEY JACK………………………………………………………………...…………ALEC BALDWIN TRACY......…………….………..……..……………………………….....…..TRACY MORGAN JENNA………………………………………………………………........... JANE KRAKOWSKI KENNETH………………………………………………………….......…....JACK MCBRAYER PETE……………………………………………………………….........................SCOTT ADSIT FRANK………………………………………………………………....JUDAH FRIEDLANDER LITTLE BLUE MAN………………...………………………………………RACHEL DRATCH TOOFER………………………………………………………………...............KEITH POWELL CONAN O’BRIEN.…….…………………………………………............…...CONAN O’BRIEN DENNIS...…………………………………………………………………..…. DEAN WINTERS DR. SPACEMAN…………………………………………………………..….CHRIS PARNELL GRIZZ......…………………………………………………………………..…..............…..…TBD NURSE......……………………………..…………………………………..…..............…..…TBD FRUIT SALESMAN..…………………...………………………………………..….......RN RAO CONAN STAGE MANAGER.…….…………………………………………..............…..…TBD
2ND AC*.....……………………………..…………………………………..…..............…..…TBD
STAGE MANAGER (O.S.)...…………………………………………………..............…..…TBD HALO VOICE (V.O.)...…………………………………………………...……............…..…TBD
LOCATIONS
INT. WRITERS’ ROOM
INT. WRITERS’ HALLWAY INT. STUDIO
INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE INT. LIZ’S OFFICE
INT. JACK’S OFFICE
INT. JACK’S OUTER OFFICE
INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM INT. JENNA’S DRESSING ROOM INT. HAIR AND MAKE-UP
INT. ELEVATOR BANK
INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT
INT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – MEZZANINE
INT. DR. SPACEMAN’S OFFICE INT. CONAN STUDIO
INT. BACKSTAGE AT CONAN INT. CONAN HALLWAY
INT. CONAN DRESSING ROOM INT. CONAN ELEVATOR BANK
INT. RITEDRUG*
EXT. RURAL JUROR SET*
EXT. MIDTOWN PAY PHONE EXT. 46TH ST. AND 8TH AVE
30 ROCK 106: "Tracy Does Conan" 1. Shooting Draft (White) 9/29/06
FADE IN:
ACT ONE
1 INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT - MORNING 1 *
DENNIS is eating cereal with his mouth open and reading about some snowboarder on the back of the Cheerios box. LIZ, ready * for work, is at the sink putting together her own breakfast. * She notices something. *
LIZ
|
Why
|
is there hair everywhere?
|
Did
|
*
|
|
you
|
shave in the kitchen?
|
|
*
|
DENNIS
The water in here is better. *
Liz bites her tongue and sits down across from Dennis. * DENNIS *
(re: Cheerios box) *
Snowboarding is baloney! I coulda been a snowboarder. It's just skateboarding on snow.
LIZ
You can't skateboard. *
DENNIS * Look at this ski-jumping idiot, * Bodie Miller. What kind of fruity * name is Bodie? *
|
LIZ
|
|
*
|
|
Are the Olympics on it?
|
This
|
*
|
cereal’s like eight months old. *
DENNIS * When me and you have kids, I’m * giving ‘em normal names, like * Shannon and Rick. *
|
|
LIZ
|
*
|
|
What?
|
When we what?
DENNIS
|
*
*
|
Have kids, dummy! *
She watches him eat his cereal and mouth-breathe at the same time. CLOSE UP: Dennis mouth-breathing. She can't take it anymore. She pushes her food away. *
30 ROCK 106: "Tracy Does Conan" 1A. Shooting Draft (White) 9/29/06
LIZ
I gotta go. * (then) *
Are you gonna be home tonight? I need to talk to you about something.
DENNIS Yeah. All right.
(then, off cereal box) * This maze is easy! *
LIZ
I should be home early, okay? *
DENNIS
Yeah. Come here, sweetheart.
Dennis grabs her. * LIZ
Dennis, I just did my hair --
He musses her hair like she’s a little boy. She sighs and *
leaves for work. *
CUT TO:
2 INT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER - MEZZANINE - DAY 2
A room on the mezzanine floor is set up for a blood drive.
Liz is finishing up giving blood. A RED CROSS NURSE attends
to her. *
NURSE
Now make sure you drink plenty of * fluids and get something to eat. * And don’t do anything strenuous * tonight.
(joking)
Don’t hit the clubs.
LIZ (chuckles)
No, I’m going straight home. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. I can’t take it anymore.
The nurse looks over her donor form.
NURSE
Hmm. Thirty-five. Single. No children. Three sexual partners in the last ten years. I don’t know, doll. Maybe it’s time to settle.
Liz is horrified. The nurse offers her a choice of cookie.
NURSE
Chocolate chip or butter crunch?
Liz takes a cookie and exits.
CUT TO:
3 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE/JENNA’S DRESSING ROOM - DAY 3
Liz gets to the studio and is unwrapping her cookie when she walks by Jenna’s dressing room and sees JENNA crying. PETE is consoling her. Liz rushes in.
PETE
(sympathetically to Jenna)
I know. This business is unfair.
LIZ What happened?
PETE
Jenna was supposed to do the Conan show tonight but --
JENNA (crying)
I got bumped.
LIZ
Oh, well, that stuff happens.
PETE
Jack bumped her and put Tracy on
instead. *
LIZ
What?! Uch, that guy does not get * actors. The other day he told Josh * “to stop being so unlikable.” *
Liz puts her cookie down and tries to help.
LIZ
Jenna, you can’t let this stuff get to you.
JENNA
I just feel like everything always gets taken away from me!
LIZ
That's not true. What about that movie you made last summer?
JENNA “The Rural Juror”?
Nobody can understand the title. When said conversationally, it sounds like, “The Rrrr Jrrr.”
LIZ
Yeah, the “Rrr--”... that one. *
Liz and Pete share a look, “The what?” * CUT TO: *
A3 EXT. RURAL JUROR SET - DAY
A3 *
THE 2ND AC holds a clapper up to the lens. The title “Rural * Juror” is prominently displayed, less prominent is the * director “C. Affleck.” *
2ND AC * “Rural Juror,” apple, take one. *
He claps the sticks and starts to cross away revealing Jenna *
in the shot. As he crosses: *
|
|
2ND AC (to himself)
That is a terrible title.
|
|
|
|
|
*
*
*
|
|
|
CUT
|
BACK
|
TO:
|
|
*
|
|
B3
|
INT. JENNA’S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
|
|
|
|
B3
|
*
|
|
|
Liz, Jenna, and Pete are as we left them.
|
|
|
|
|
*
|
|
|
LIZ
|
|
|
|
|
*
|
|
|
When does that movie come out?
|
|
|
|
|
*
|
JENNA
"The Rural Juror" opens in select theaters December 18th.
(MORE)
JENNA (cont'd)
Does Jack Donaghy even know that I'm in “The Rural Juror”? I mean, maybe if he knew that I have a film career he would treat me with more respect.
STAGE MANAGER (O.S.) Jenna to the floor please. Jenna to the floor for rehearsal.
Jenna gathers herself and stands.
LIZ
I will tell him. I will tell him that you are in a feature film called... “The Rrrr Jrrr.”
Jenna exits. Pete is baffled.
PETE
What the hell is her movie called?
LIZ
I don't know. She's been talking
about it for a year. I can't ask *
her now.
Pete and Liz exit into the...
CUT TO:
4 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 4
They head toward hair and make-up.
LIZ
I can’t believe Jack did that to her.
PETE
I can’t believe Conan agreed to have Tracy on as a guest again, considering how it went last time.
FLASHBACK TO:
5 INT. CONAN STUDIO - THREE YEARS EARLIER 5
TRACY on Conan having a full-tilt Crispin Glover-type
incident. Tracy is jabbing two small knives toward CONAN and talking like a robot.
TRACY
I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you.
CONAN O’BRIEN (panicked)
Go to commercial! Go to commercial!
END OF FLASHBACK
6 INT. HAIR AND MAKE-UP/STUDIO BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 6
Pete and Liz enter.
LIZ
Clariss, can I see the Stone * Phillips wig, please?
CLARISS hands her the wig. Liz takes it off the block and pops it onto Pete.
LIZ
Can I throw this on you for a sec? I wanna see the shape of it.
PETE
Please, it would be my wife’s dream come true.
LIZ
The look’s about right.
Pete goofs around with Liz and Clariss.
PETE
(handsome guy voice)
Do you find me handsome? Would you like to travel with me to Aspen, Colorado, in my aeroplane?
Liz and Clariss laugh. They turn and realize that JACK has been standing in the doorway this whole time. Pete is embarrassed.
PETE (regular voice)
Woops, hello.
JACK
I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger and more powerful. You should consider it.
Pete laughs nervously.
JACK
Seriously. Your natural appearance is a detriment.
(then)
Liz, drop by my office later. *
Jack starts to cross away. Liz follows him into the hall.
LIZ
Hang on. Why’d you bump Jenna off * Conan?
JACK
Because I do what’s best to promote * the show, Liz. And when I’m given * a choice between an international
movie star and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite --
LIZ (defensive)
Jenna doesn’t do those any more. (beat)
She got fired.
JACK
The Conan show is the first stop on the Tracy Jordan comeback train.
I’m riding that train, Liz. If you’re smart, you’ll get on with
me. *
LIZ * Fine, Tracy does Conan. You’re the * boss. But I’m officially * protesting this decision. *
JACK * My assistant will give you the * appropriate forms. * (then) * Look, I don’t do these things just * to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do * them for the good of the show. I’m * not a monster. These decisions are * difficult for me too. *
He starts to exit. Liz calls after him. * LIZ *
But I’m the one that always has to *
clean up the mess afterwards. *
JACK * That’s why my job is way better * than yours. *
Jack exits. Liz sighs, then remembers: * LIZ
Ugh, my cookie is in Jenna’s
dressing room.
Liz crosses away.
CUT TO:
7 INT. CONAN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 7
Jack has cornered Conan in the hall.
JACK
Tracy’s very excited about being back on your show.
CONAN O’BRIEN
Yeah, I don’t know, Jack. The guy is a loose cannon and I like to surround myself with people who... don’t try to stab me.
JACK
Tracy’s much better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
CONAN O’BRIEN That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during the commercial break. Tenderly, but it was still inappropriate.
JACK
And Tracy’s always a huge rating.
CONAN O’BRIEN
That’s true. You know what else got a huge rating? The Kennedy assassination.
JACK
Conan, this is important to me. So we can do it the easy way, or the hard way.
CONAN O’BRIEN
What would be the hard way?
JACK
You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the war on terror is won.
CONAN O’BRIEN
Damn it, Jack, you said you’d never force me to do anything again if I dyed my hair red. Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight.
Conan walks off.
CUT TO:
8 INT. WRITERS’ ROOM - LATER 8 *
THE WRITERS, including TOOFER and FRANK, sit around with
Tracy and try to help him prepare for his Conan appearance.
TRACY
I gotta be charming on Conan * tonight. This is my chance to * redeem myself with mainstream
America, you know what I’m saying?
TOOFER
Just tell us some things from your life and we'll try to punch them up and make them talk show worthy.
PETE
Maybe something about you and your wife?
Tracy thinks for a second.
TRACY
My wife and I like to play rape.
She stands in the bathroom, combing her hair, I put on a ski mask --
PETE
Okay, not that. Maybe a funny thing from your childhood?
TRACY
When I was a kid, me and my little brother used to go to Times Square and whip pennies at Arabs.
They shake their heads.
FRANK
You got anything about being a dad? People eat that slop up.
TRACY
I like to walk around my house naked to remind my sons who still has the biggest penis.
FRANK That might work.
PETE
No.
TRACY
Ooh. I could tell that story of how I met Sharon Stone.
PETE How was that?
TRACY
I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy --
No.
PETE
Tracy fidgets in his chair, uneasy.
TRACY
Boy my hair hurts. Is someone gonna answer that phone?
The writers look at each other, “What phone?” FRANK
What?
CUT TO:
9 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - LATER 9 * Jack is working on a speech. Liz enters.
LIZ
So you wanted to see me?
JACK
Lemon, wonderful, I’m introducing Jack Welch at a dinner at the Waldorf. What’s a little opening quip I could make?
LIZ
This is why you called me up here? O-kay. “Good evening. It’s great to be here at the beautiful Waldorf Astoria. I haven't seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic.”
JACK
Come on, Lemon. This isn’t open mic night at the Bryn Mawr student union. It’s a thousand dollar a plate fund-raiser.
LIZ
Okay. How about, “I’m honored to be up here tonight next to a man who has done so much to serve his
company and his country. And to my left is Jack Welch.”
JACK
You’re a mean-spirited little woman, aren’t you?
LIZ
All right. How about, “Wow, a *
thousand dollars a plate, huh? For that much money, this stuffed chicken breast better paint my house, I uh...”
JACK
Let me tell you what I was thinking of saying.
(puts his “cheaters” on, reads)
“Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills, they named Welch's grape juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers’ mind- grapes.”
LIZ
That doesn't even make sense.
JACK
It doesn’t, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.
LIZ
I’ll try to think of something for you but I need to get back downstairs.
Liz takes out her cookie and starts to leave.
JACK
Wow, a cookie at eleven AM. Did *
you get a life coach? *
Liz, shamed, puts the cookie away and exits. * CUT TO:
10 INT. WRITERS’ ROOM/WRITERS’ HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER
Tracy, still with the writers, is starting to act a little weird. A little sweaty. They look on, concerned.
TRACY
What else? What else is on my mindgrapes? I could talk about how
10 *
the moon is a spy satellite put * there by Oprah and Minister * Farrakhan. And not the Minister * Farrakhan you’re thinking of. *
FRANK
Yes. I would open with that.
TRACY Who's that dude?
He points into the corner. They all look to where he is pointing. No one is there.
FRANK
What dude?
TRACY
That little blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.
TRACY’S POV: A LITTLE BLUE TELETUBBY-TYPE CREATURE [Dratch]
stares at Tracy. From the writers’ POV, nothing is there.
LITTLE BLUE MAN
Meep-meep.
TRACY
I don’t like that dude.
Tracy exits. Tracy's buddies GRIZZ and DOTCOM follow him out, concerned. Toofer and Frank exchange a look.
TOOFER That was weird.
Liz enters. She puts her cookie on the table and gets a diet
Snapple.
FRANK
You missed it. Tracy was acting
old skool bananas. *
LIZ
He's always bananas.
TOOFER
No, this was different.
FRANK * Like “Conan should be afraid” * different. *
LIZ
Really? Where’d he go?
Liz looks down the hall and sees Tracy making a call on his cell phone. He looks normal.
TRACY (into phone)
Hello, I am having a problem with my cable television. Yes, I will hold.
Then he turns around and we see that he is actually talking into his shoe. That is a little weird. Liz steps back into the writers’ room, Frank is eating her cookie.
LIZ
Okay, that’s a little -- * (noticing) *
Frank! That was my blood cookie!
FRANK Ew... what?
CUT TO:
11 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - LATER
Jack’s at his desk. A wigless Pete knocks and enters.
PETE
11 *
Hey, Jack Attack -- * (hearing it) * sorry. Should’ve just kept that * one in the ol’ bean. Anyhoo, can * you sign this? *
Jack takes the paperwork and signs it. He looks at Pete disapprovingly.
JACK
Where’s your charisma, Pete?
PETE
Pardon?
JACK
The wig. I prefer that you wear it.
PETE
Oh, I thought you were joking.
JACK
Then let me clarify. I wasn’t
joking. Pete, did you know that * men with full heads of hair earn on * average seventeen percent more than * their bald counterparts? *
PETE
I did not know that. *
JACK
Perhaps that’s because bald men are * generally less informed than those * of us with hair. Here’s what I * want you to do; try the wig for a * week. Experience your full
potential.
Oh... kay.
PETE
JACK *
I know you’re skeptical, Pete. But * I want to show you something. *
Jack starts to reach for his hair as if he’s going to pull *
off a wig, then: *
JACK * I’m kidding, I’m not one of you * people. I mean, come on. *
CUT TO:
12 INT. LIZ’S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
12 *
Liz is at her desk with an agitated Jenna. *
JENNA *
|
So be honest with
|
me.
|
What
|
did
|
*
|
|
Jack say?
|
|
|
|
*
|
LIZ * (hedging) * Well, I guess he feels that Tracy’s * a movie star and he doesn’t love it * that you did those commercials. *
JENNA * Oh, really? Well you tell him that * those commercials paid for my * vacation home. So unless he wants * to buy me a condo in Clearwater, * Florida -- *
LIZ * Jenna, I’m sorry, just let it go. * Tracy’s doing Conan tonight. *
Grizz and Dotcom enter. * GRIZZ
Liz Lemon, we have a problem.
CUT TO:
13 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE/TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - A FEW 13
MINUTES LATER
Liz is relaying the story to Pete as she rushes down to find
Tracy. Grizz and Dotcom follow behind.
LIZ
Grizz and Dotcom said Tracy’s
doctor put him on a new medication, and I guess he’s having some kind
of reaction. *
PETE
Oh boy. Conan tapes in -- *
LIZ
Less than two hours.
PETE
Call me if you need me.
Pete peels off into hair and make-up as Liz knocks on Tracy’s dressing room door.
LIZ
Tray? Can I come in?
There’s no answer. Concerned, Liz opens the door and looks around the empty room, then looks up. Tracy has somehow wedged himself up in a corner where the walls meet the ceiling.
TRACY
I'm bugging out!!!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
FADE IN:
ACT TWO
14 INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM/DR. SPACEMAN’S OFFICE/STUDIO 14
BACKSTAGE - AFTERNOON
Liz frantically tries to handle the situation. Dotcom looks * on worried as Tracy, on his hands and knees, uses a straw to * hungrily suck the electricity out of a wall socket. *
LIZ
Tracy, who is your doctor?
TRACY
Dr. Spaceman! Dr. Spaceman!
LIZ
Oh brother. Look through his *
stuff. Find his medication.
Liz finds an empty pill bottle. CLOSE UP: The label reads, "Dr. L. Spaceman. 24 E. 71st St."
LIZ
I owe you an apology, T.
She dials the number. We intercut with Dr. Spaceman’s office. THE DOCTOR answers the phone.
DR. SPACEMAN
This is Dr. Leo Spa-chem-en.
Liz absorbs this, then: LIZ
Hi. I work with Tracy Jordan and I
think he’s having a reaction to
some new medication you put him on?
DR. SPACEMAN
Ah, I was afraid this might happen. He’s on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics there’s no telling how they’ll mix. But what can you do? Medicine’s not a science.
LIZ
What exactly are you treating him for?
DR. SPACEMAN
There's not really a name for what Tracy has. I've been trying to get it recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of psychiatry as “Spachemen's Disease” because that would be great for me. Basically it’s erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments.
(hearing himself)
Boy, I’m being awfully open with you, miss. I should not have taken those blue things.
LIZ
So is Tracy dangerous?
DR. SPACEMAN
No, he should be fine so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music and crowds.
Liz realizes this is not good.
DR. SPACEMAN (CONT’D) I'll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible. Do you need anything for yourself?
LIZ
No. Thank you. Just where do I
pick up Tracy’s prescription?
KENNETH enters as Liz writes something down on a pad of paper.
KENNETH
Ms. Lemon, they need you upstairs in Mr. Donaghy’s office immediately.
She hangs up and hands Kenneth the scrap of paper she was writing on.
LIZ
Kenneth, go to the RiteDrug at 46th *
and 8th and pick up Tracy’s medicine. Fast, okay?
KENNETH
Yes, sir!
Liz exits and hustles back up to Jack's office. This involves a series of hallways and elevators. It’s a hike.
CUT TO:
15 INT. JACK’S OFFICE/STUDIO/JACK’S OUTER OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
Jack is receiving a haircut. Liz rushes in.
LIZ
What is it? What’s the emergency?
JACK
How about this for an opening line? “When I first met Jack Welch, I thought this guy is such a good golfer he makes Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes.”
LIZ
15 *
Yeah, that’s fine. Do that. *
JACK
I don’t know. I’m afraid it’d be * distasteful if Randy’s widow is there. * (then) *
What have you come up with? *
LIZ
Uhhh, how about, “Jack Welch is the most creative businessman I've ever met, next to that guy on the subway who sells batteries.”
JACK
No one would ever believe I use the subway.
LIZ
I have a bigger problem, Jack. I don't think Tracy is ready to do Conan.
(MORE)
LIZ (cont'd)
Maybe you should just let Jenna do it and put Tracy on in a few weeks.
JACK
Jenna's not a star, Liz. She's
very capable, but she's not a star.
LIZ
She's got a movie coming out next month.
JACK What movie?
Liz struggles with the title.
LIZ "The Rrr Jrrrr."
JACK
The what?
Liz changes her tactic.
LIZ
Tracy's acting nuts. He’s having some problem with his medication.
JACK
Did you call Dr. Spachemen?
Liz is surprised that Jack knows Tracy's doctor.
LIZ Yes, I did.
JACK
Then he'll be fine. Leo’s an * excellent physician. And a pretty * good dentist. *
Liz notices Tracy run through frame on the monitor behind Jack.
ON THE MONITOR:
We see a locked-down shot of a hospital maternity ward set. * Tracy runs onto the set, interrupting rehearsal. He grabs a * baby doll out of a NURSE’S arms [one of the writer-performers] * and hurls it at Grizz and Dotcom, who are trying to grab him. * Tracy continues picking up baby dolls from the row of plastic * hospital bassinets and whipping them at Grizz and Dotcom. *
IN JACK’S OFFICE:
LIZ
Oh boy. Look, Jack, I think this
Tracy situation --
JACK
Are we still talking about that? * Do I have to step in and run your
show for you or can you take this one thing off my plate?
LIZ
No, I got it. I’ll figure it out.
JACK
Good.
Jack puts his glasses back on and goes back to his speech. Liz exits to find Tracy. On her way out, she passes Pete,
now wearing the wig. She doesn't have time for anything more than...
What?!
Don’t ask.
LIZ
PETE
Pete enters the office. Jack is pleased.
JACK
Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you, handsome?
CUT TO:
16 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - A FEW MINUTES LATER 16
Liz is on her way down to the studio. Jenna sees her. *
JENNA
Liz, I wanted you to be the first to know. After the way Jack treated me, I can’t work here any more. I quit.
Liz doesn’t stop. * LIZ *
I’m sorry, Jenna, I really don’t *
have time for this -- *
JENNA * Then I guess this is goodbye. *
Liz sighs, looks at her watch and makes a decision. * LIZ
Okay.
(rote, quickly) (MORE)
LIZ (cont'd)
Jenna you can’t quit. The show couldn’t go on without you and you’re my muse. You’re a modern day Lucille Ball. Please don’t
quit. *
JENNA
Well, if that’s how you feel, I *
will stay.
LIZ
Wonderful. Listen, do you have any food? I'm getting low blood sugar.
Jenna is incorrectly sympathetic.
JENNA
Are you dieting finally? What are * doing? South Beach? Master * Cleanse? Dr. Spachemen’s Trimfast * Pills? *
Liz's pager goes off.
LIZ
Ugh. It’s Dennis. *
Liz crosses to the page desk phone and dials. * CUT TO:
17 EXT. MIDTOWN PAY PHONE/INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
17 *
A FRUIT SALESMAN answers a midtown pay phone. WE INTERCUT *
with Liz at the page desk. *
FRUIT SALESMAN
Hello?! This is a pay phone. You are calling the street.
LIZ (weary)
I know.
Dennis grabs the phone from the Fruit Salesman.
DENNIS
Gimme it. Liz, it’s me, Dennis.
LIZ
Would you please just get a cell phone?
DENNIS
You’re asking a beeper salesman to *
get a cell phone? That’d be like
asking... uh... who’s that guy --? *
LIZ
Dennis! What do you want? *
DENNIS
Yeah, look, can you call * Ticketmaster for me? Nickelback
added another date. I’d do it on your computer but I’m downloading a game.
LIZ
No. I can’t do that. Just be home when I get back, okay? I need to talk to you tonight.
DENNIS
Word.
CUT TO:
18 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
18 *
As Liz hangs up, Dotcom and Grizz come around the corner *
holding Tracy by the arms.
TRACY
That blue dude is following me.
The blue man peeks around the corner, watching Tracy.
LIZ
Let’s just get him down to Conan hair and make-up and hopefully Kenneth'll be here any minute.
Liz leads them down the stairs to the Conan studios.
CUT TO:
19 EXT. 46TH AND 8TH - LATE AFTERNOON 19
Kenneth is standing at 46th and 8th.
KENNETH
Oh my.
There are four RiteDrugs. One on each corner. He picks one *
and runs in.
CUT TO:
20 INT. CONAN HALLWAY/CONAN DRESSING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
20 *
Liz is smuggling Tracy into a Conan dressing room. Just then
Conan comes up to say hi to Tracy.
CONAN O’BRIEN Hey, Liz, what's up?
LIZ
Oh, hi, Conan. How are you?
CONAN O’BRIEN
Good, good. You still going out with that guy from the pager store?
LIZ (incredulous)
Who, Dennis? (giving up)
Yeah. So, you still... how’s your *
wife --? *
CONAN O’BRIEN * Let’s not do this, Elizabeth. *
There’s an awkward beat. * CONAN O’BRIEN (CONT’D) *
Listen, is Tracy... okay and stuff? *
LIZ Absolutely.
Conan looks in the dressing room and sees Tracy licking his reflection in the mirror and yelling.
TRACY
Nyah nyah nyah nyah!
LIZ
Vocal warm-ups. I’ll tell him you came by.
Liz ducks into the dressing room and quickly closes the door.
We hear The Max Weinberg 7 start playing the opening theme. *
CUT TO:
21 INT. CONAN DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME 21
Liz sees a tray of cookies and lunges for them desperately.
GRIZZ
He licked all those.
She thinks about it, then drops the wet cookie, disappointed.
CUT TO:
22 INT. RITEDRUG - SAME TIME
Muzak. Kenneth is in a LONG LINE at the pharmacy counter.
22 *
He waits patiently. Maybe a little too patiently. He lets an OLD WOMAN go in front of him.
CUT TO:
23 INT. CONAN DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 23
Liz is trying to talk Tracy down. Pete sticks his head in.
PETE How's it going?
Tracy sees Pete in the wig and freaks out.
TRACY
Past Pete is here to kill Future
Pete!
He tries to hide under the make-up table.
LIZ
It’s going great.
CUT TO: *
24 INT. RITEDRUG - SAME TIME
Kenneth is at the front of the line.
KENNETH (very polite)
Yes, ma’am. Do you have a prescription for...
(whispers)
Mr. Tracy Jordan?
Kenneth looks around, hoping someone overheard his big important mission.
24 *
CUT TO:
25 INT. CONAN DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME 25
Pete, Liz and Tracy are as we left them.
PETE
I almost forgot. Jack wants to see you upstairs.
Liz rolls her eyes, picks up the phone and dials Jack’s extension.
LIZ
I’m too busy for this sh -- (into phone)
Jonathan, tell him I’ve got my hands full with Tracy.
CUT TO:
26 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME 26
JONATHAN and Jack listen at the same speaker phone. Jonathan is helping Jack with his cuff links.
JACK You sound upset.
LIZ (O.S.) (over speakerphone)
I am upset.
JACK
Well, come up. We’ll talk about it.
He hangs up.
CUT BACK TO:
27 INT. CONAN DRESSING ROOM/CONAN HALLWAY/CONAN ELEVATOR 27
BANK/ELEVATOR BANK - CONTINUOUS
Liz hangs up.
Uggghh.
LIZ
Reluctantly, Liz heads upstairs one more time; to the
elevator bank on the Conan floor, then down the long hall and around to the other elevators on her floor. A CRAFT SERVICES guy passes her with a rolling cart of fruit trays. She looks at them longingly.
CUT TO:
28 INT. RITEDRUG - SAME TIME
Kenneth is at another pharmacy counter.
KENNETH
Fine. I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful.
He exits with dignity.
CUT TO:
28 *
29 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME 29
Jack is now in a full tuxedo. Liz enters.
JACK
We’ll get to your problems in a minute. Have you had a chance to think of my zinger?
Liz thinks on her feet.
LIZ (sighs)
How about, “Jack Welch is such a great leader, they should put him in charge of Iraq. He’d have the
Sunnis and the Shiites working *
together... to make a more efficient light bulb.”
JACK
That's terrific. I really enjoy that.
(then, shifting)
But is it too topical? Damn. I
wish this event were tonight.
LIZ
It's not tonight?! When is it?
JACK
February.
Liz is infuriated.
LIZ
Why are you wearing a tux?
JACK
Because it's after six. What am I, a farmer?
It's six?!
LIZ
Liz runs downstairs to get Tracy before he goes on.
CUT TO:
30 INT. CONAN DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME 30
Pete is trying to coach Tracy who is staring hard at an empty chair. The CONAN STAGE MANAGER pokes his head in. *
CONAN STAGE MANAGER * You're right after this commercial, * Mr. Jordan. *
The Conan Stage Manager exits. *
PETE
What do you say to Conan when he says hi?
TRACY
I know diet Snapple tastes as good as regular Snapple. Don't tell me things I already know, fool.
TRACY'S POV: We see that the little blue man is taunting Tracy with a diet Snapple. Pete looks at the same spot and sees nothing. He is worried.
CUT TO:
31 EXT. 46TH AND 8TH - LATE AFTERNOON
Kenneth hurries back to Rock Center with the medicine.
CUT TO:
32 INT. CONAN HALLWAY/CONAN DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
31
32 *
|
Liz runs down the hallway exhausted.
|
She goes into the
|
*
|
|
dressing room.
|
|
*
|
CUT TO: *
A32
INT. CONAN ELEVATOR BANK/CONAN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
A32 *
At the end of the hall, Kenneth gets off the elevator holding a little drug store bag, running Broadcast News-style. He rounds a corner and runs into a TOUR GROUP that is blocking the hall. Kenneth is too polite to force his way through.
KENNETH
Excuse me. Excuse me. Page coming through...
The group ignores him. Suddenly a booming voice is heard at the other end of the hallway.
PETE (O.S.) (authoritative)
Let him through!
The crowd parts immediately. Kenneth sees Pete standing at the end of the hallway, his wigged head glistening in the light. Kenneth gasps in awe. Pete grabs the medicine from him. They both take off down the hallway. As they run Kenneth keeps trying to take Pete’s hand. Pete won’t let him.
CUT TO:
33 INT. BACKSTAGE AT CONAN/CONAN STUDIO - CONTINUOUS 33
Pete runs in and hands the pills to Liz.
LIZ
Gimme.
Liz opens the bottles, tries to stuff pills in Tracy’s mouth and hold his jaw shut, like you would do to a dog. Tracy resists. She practically has to straddle him to do this. He keeps spitting the pills out. Once some pills are in, she force feeds him some water from the prop table.
On the monitor, Conan introduces Tracy.
CONAN O’BRIEN
You may know my first guest tonight from his numerous hit movies including “President Homeboy” and “Honky Grandma Be Trippin’.” Or
you might know him from his last appearance on this show, when he tried to stab me in the face. Please welcome Tracy Jordan.
The Max Weinberg 7 play Tracy on with the “TGS” theme. Tracy goes out. Liz and Pete watch nervously from backstage.
Tracy seems great. He smiles and dances to his play-on music.
PETE
(pats her on the back)
You really went above and beyond for that guy today.
LIZ
I just hope we get away with it.
They watch the monitor. Tracy is still dancing to his play- on music. He dances for about 30 full seconds. A really long time. Conan chuckles.
LIZ (worried)
This is going on a little long.
Beat. More dancing. THE CROWD is clapping along, enjoying * it. Tracy has his hands on his belt buckle. Oh no! Is he * going to take his pants off?
PETE
(to the monitor) Don’t do it!
LIZ
Pants on! Pants on!
PETE
Go to the chair, buddy.
LIZ
Sit down, Tracy. Sit down.
Tracy starts to wildly dance his way over to the chair. * PETE
Atta boy.
Tracy continues to dance like a madman and finally falls into *
the chair. We cut to Conan's "single." *
CONAN O’BRIEN
Okay. Well, Tracy, thanks for * being here. It’s been a little * while, hasn’t it? *
CUT TO: Tracy is totally asleep. Mouth agape. Drooling. He does not wake up. After an awkward beat:
CONAN O’BRIEN
Aaaand he’s asleep. All right. * Well, at least he didn’t murder me. * Tracy Jordan, everybody! *
The audience laughs and applauds at the craziness and they go *
to commercial.
BACKSTAGE: Liz is exhausted, but relieved. Pete, still in *
his wig, looks at Liz and nods with self-satisfaction. *
PETE * (smugly) *
Good work, kid. *
He winks at Liz. * LIZ *
Gimme that! *
She rips the wig off Pete’s head, turns, and sees the little *
blue man giving her the thumbs-up. She rubs her eyes and looks again. Nothing there.
LIZ
I really gotta eat something.
CUT TO:
34 INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT - LATER 34
Liz gets home; Dennis is playing Xbox Live at the foot of the bed. SFX: The sounds of Halo. Explosions, gunfire...
HALO VOICE (V.O.) Lost the lead.
Liz is so exhausted; she forgot that she was actually going to fix her own life tonight.
LIZ
Hey.
DENNIS
What’s up? I didn't know what you wanted so I ordered you a cheeseburger.
Liz could almost weep with happiness as she grabs the cold hamburger, falls on her bed and unwraps it.
LIZ
Oh, Dennis, thank you, thank you, thank you.
DENNIS
What did you want to talk to me about?
She doesn’t have the strength to get into it.
LIZ Nothing. I forget.
She crawls under the covers with her clothes on.
LIZ
I just want to listen to you play
Halo 'til I fall asleep.
He plays Halo. SFX: Explosion. * DENNIS
That’s baloney! How did that *
grenade not kill him? He was right * next to it -- Oh, now I’m dead?! * Liz, this controller is defective! *
LIZ
Mmm-hmmm.
Liz falls asleep on her hamburger, momentarily content.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
