ACT ONE
1 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 1
The show is in full swing. We hear a laugh from inside the studio, then applause and the band kicking in. The double doors burst open and JENNA, dressed as a fat old lady, LIZ,
and a QUICK-CHANGE DRESSER enter the backstage chaos from the studio. In the background we see the STAGE MANAGER.
STAGE MANAGER We’re back in two minutes!
The dresser starts going to work on Jenna; tearing off a wig, casting aside props and jewelry. PETE is there.
JENNA (to Liz)
So are you gonna ask out the Head?
Liz rolls her eyes.
PETE The “Head”?
LIZ
There are these two MSNBC guys we keep seeing around. They just moved offices from New Jersey. We don’t know their names so we call them the Head and the Hair.
PETE
How come?
FLASH BACK TO:
2 INT. ELEVATOR/ELEVATOR BANK - EARLIER THAT DAY 2
Liz and Jenna are on the elevator coming in to work.
Two guys get on. One guy is super handsome and has great
hair. This is THE HAIR, GRAY. The other guy is cranial and nerdy looking. This is THE HEAD. Liz smiles politely.
Jenna gives the Hair a huge grin.
GRAY
Hey! You guys again.
Jenna laughs too hard at this non-joke.
JENNA
How are things going? Are you settling in okay?
GRAY
We’re finding our way around.
LIZ
(messing with Jenna)
Jenna, tell him about that bathroom no one knows about on seventeen
that you say is great for pooping.
Jenna looks at her, “Are you kidding?” Liz looks innocent, “What did I do?” Gray laughs. Jenna turns back to him.
JENNA
What are you, like six-two?
GRAY
Six-five.
Jenna loves it.
HEAD
(to Liz)
I see you’re looking at my watch.
LIZ
What?
He holds it up for Liz to see.
HEAD
It’s cool, isn’t it? It’s a
Japanese pie watch.
LIZ Oh, uh-huh...
HEAD
It tells time with these little pie pieces. Every piece is six
minutes. And the little lines, three of them equal one second. So, right now it’s... six times
four... five-thirty? That can’t be right.
LIZ
My watch has these hands on it that point to different numbers.
HEAD
That’s awesome, possum.
He winks at Liz.
CUT BACK TO:
3 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 3
Everyone is as we left them. The dresser is tearing Jenna’s dress off to reveal the fat suit underneath.
STAGE MANAGER Forty seconds!
JENNA (to Pete)
The point is, the Hair is ridiculously good-looking --
LIZ
It’s true. He makes me nervous to be around.
JENNA
And the Head is perfectly harmless and totally into Miss Liz Lemon.
LIZ
Not as much as he’s into his pie watch. And I’m not gonna ask a guy out. I don’t do things like that.
Jenna shrugs out of the fat suit as the dresser helps her into a sexy streetwalker outfit.
PETE
You stole a baby last week. I
think basic social norms have kinda gone out the window.
JENNA
Remember when I split up with David
Blaine? (then)
I still don’t know how he managed to cheat on me in that glass box.
LIZ
I know. That’s the closest thing to magic he’s ever done.
JENNA
That relationship ending was a wake- up call for me. Stealing Anna’s
baby was a wake-up call for you. If you’re serious about getting your personal life on track, then you need to work at it.
STAGE MANAGER
Ten seconds! Jenna to the stage!
PETE
It sounds like the Head is perfect for you right now. Low pressure, high nerd factor. Come on.
LIZ
Yeah. Okay, fine. I’ll ask him out.
(then, realizing)
But the hooker sketch was cut. You’re supposed to be Hillary Clinton next.
Jenna’s eyes go wide as the dresser tears the costume off.
CUT TO:
4 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY 4
Jack is talking to JONATHAN. His desk is littered with DVDs and envelopes. He holds up two of them.
JACK
Which of these sounds like a better idea for a new show? A talk show hosted by the voice of the dead
lady from “Desperate Housewives,”
or a reality show where hot nannies live in a house and help fat kids lose weight?
JONATHAN Honestly, sir?
JACK Never mind.
He drops the DVDs back onto the pile.
JACK (CONT’D)
This process is baffling. With appliances, either the toaster toasts or it doesn’t. Either the microwave works or it shoots radiation out the handle. You take the well-designed products and you sell them. But this TV programming stuff, it’s just an unpredictable ass ache. Get it out of here. Get it all out.
Jonathan gathers the DVDs and as he exits, KENNETH enters.
KENNETH
You wanted to see me, Mr. Donaghy?
JACK
Yes, Kenneth. Come in.
KENNETH
Is this about the clementine I took off the actors’ snack table?
Because the catering lady already talked to me about it and I promise it will not happen again.
JACK
No, no, no. I wanted to talk to you about our corporate “Bottoms Up” day. Once a year all the senior VPs spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. Last year I was a welder in one of our locomotive factories.
He picks up a big, shapeless lump of steel.
JACK (CONT’D) I made this.
Kenneth acts impressed.
JACK (CONT’D)
This year, I want to spend a day in your shoes.
KENNETH (excited)
Thank you, sir! Now will you literally need to wear my shoes?
(MORE)
KENNETH (CONT'D)
Because I have some custom insoles that I’ll need to take out.
JACK
No, Kenneth. It just means that tomorrow, I’m going to be a page for a day and you’ll be my boss. The hope is that you’ll learn from spending a day picking my brain,
and I’ll learn how to better manage you by understanding your tasks.
KENNETH
It goes both ways, yes sir.
JACK
That’s what the “Bottom’s Up”
program is all about.
Jack crosses to Kenneth and puts a hand on his shoulder.
JACK (CONT’D)
I am going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And you can ride me as hard as you want.
CUT TO:
5 INT. WRITERS’ ROOM - THE NEXT DAY 5
Liz enters to find TRACY holding court with THE WRITERS and
JOSH. GRIZZ and DOTCOM are with him.
TRACY
Dudes, I’m telling you. This party was messed up! They had chicks dancing in cages. Not go-go cages. Like low dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.
FRANK/TOOFER/JOSH That is awesome./That is upsetting./That is awesome.
LIZ
It couldn’t have been that great a party. You’re on time for work for the first time ever.
(to Cerie)
February 17th, Cerie. Write it down. It’s historic.
TRACY
How dare you, Liz Lemon? I’m not arriving for work. I just left the party on a bacon run.
Dotcom holds up a large metal tray full of cooked bacon that
Tracy must have bought from a deli.
LIZ
Write it down, Cerie. February
17th, just like every other day.
TRACY
Wait, what’s the date?
CERIE February 17th.
TRACY
2007?
Yeah.
CERIE TRACY
Aw, no. Dammit. I knew this was
gonna happen. (then)
Toofer, get me some paper.
FRANK What’s wrong?
TRACY
My autobiography is due tomorrow!
As Tracy goes to work Liz exits to her office.
CUT TO:
6 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - PAGE DESK - SAME TIME 6
Jack reports for duty looking resplendent in his page
uniform. He greets Kenneth jovially. Kenneth is eating like a hobo and/or Popeye -- straight out of two cans.
JACK
Morning, Boss. Chick peas and spinach for breakfast?
KENNETH
No, sir. This is my lunch. I’ve been here since four am.
JACK
Your day starts at four?
KENNETH
I set up the barricades outside the “Today” show, then I take coffee orders for the camera crew, then I squeegee the big window, then it’s over to the NBC store to empty the rat traps...
JACK
I didn’t know that. I’m sorry I’m late.
KENNETH (kidding)
Well don’t let it happen again! (then)
Are you ready for an exciting and challenging day?
JACK
You bet.
Tracy comes out of his dressing room, approaches them.
TRACY
Yo. Me, Toofer and Frank are gonna be writing my book all day so I’m going to need some coffee and
energy drinks. Also I think my snake is sick so I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly
‘til he poops.
He throws Jack his car keys and exits.
KENNETH
Our first assignment!
Kenneth scampers off, Jack follows.
CUT TO:
7 OMIT SCENE 7
8 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - LATER 8
Liz enters holding her wallet, annoyed. Jenna meets her at the coffee area.
LIZ (re: wallet)
Ugh! This is so annoying. I went downstairs to get out money and the ATM gave me a hundred dollar bill!
JENNA
So?
LIZ
Nobody is gonna take a hundred.
It’s like having Confederate money.
JENNA
Whatever. It’ll give you something interesting to talk to the Head about.
LIZ
Oh yeah. Am I doing that?
Jenna turns her and pushes her back toward the elevator bank.
JENNA Yeah. Right now.
CUT TO:
9 INT. MSNBC RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER 9
Liz approaches the RECEPTIONIST.
RECEPTIONIST Hi, can I help you?
LIZ
Yes, I’m looking for... the Head?
RECEPTIONIST The head of what?
Gray comes around the corner and sees Liz. He looks awesome. He also dresses super cool.
GRAY
Hi. What are you doing up here?
LIZ
Oh. Chris Matthews owes me ten bucks.
GRAY
You’ll never get it. (then)
My name is Gray, by the way.
LIZ
Of course it is. I’m Liz Lemon. Actually, it’s kind of embarrassing but my friend Jenna and I didn’t know your name so we’ve been
calling you the Hair.
GRAY (”offended”)
“The Hair”? How would you like it if I called you “Glasses”?
LIZ
I’d be okay with that.
GRAY
Good, ‘cause that’s what I’ve been calling you. Which was no help when I was trying to find your extension.
LIZ (pulled up)
Why did you want my number?
GRAY
Well, a friend of mine is opening a new restaurant in Soho and I was hoping that you would go with me.
A long pause. Liz looks at Gray with deep suspicion.
LIZ
What?
GRAY
Do you want to go out with me tonight?
Another pause.
Why?
(wary)
LIZ
GRAY
Because... it would be fun? And you seem cool?
Liz stares him down for a beat. He smiles back.
LIZ
... Okay.
GRAY
Okay. Great. I’ll call you.
Liz nods and backs out, suspicious.
CUT TO:
10 INT. MAKEUP/STUDIO BACKSTAGE - A LITTLE LATER 10
Josh is in makeup. Jack brings him his lunch.
JACK
Here’s your salad and your change.
Josh takes it out of the bag and looks displeased.
JOSH
Oh, no, dude. Is this spinach?
JACK
Yes, you asked for a spinach salad.
JOSH
No, I like the stuff that comes on the spinach salad but I want it made with romaine.
Beat.
JACK
So you want me to take this back?
JOSH
(a little nervous)
I’m supposed to treat you like
Kenneth, right?
Yes.
JACK
JOSH (embracing it)
Then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack
your mom for smoking crack while she’s pregnant.
Jack reacts.
JOSH (CONT’D)
(to someone off camera) Too much?
Reveal that Kenneth has also been there the whole time.
KENNETH
Nope, that’s how it usually goes.
Jack takes this in. He looks at Josh, then at the salad.
Then stares down Josh again. Josh wises up and starts eating the salad. Jack nods. He and Kenneth exit to the hallway.
CUT TO:
A10
INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Pete notices something in a trash barrel. He doesn’t see
Jack and Kenneth enter from makeup.
PETE (furious)
Who put paper in the regular trash?! We recycle here, people!
JACK
Sorry, Mr. Hornberger, that was us.
A10
Pete sees Jack as a page and reacts. He starts backtracking.
PETE
Sorry for what? Hey, it’s just paper. Don’t worry about it.
JACK
But I want to fix it. It’s my job.
PETE
(beat, tentative)
Well, you could... go through the garbage by hand and take out anything recyclable?
KENNETH (excited)
We’ll need gloves!
CUT TO:
11 INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - LATER 11
Tracy has enlisted FRANK and TOOFER to help him bang out his autobiography. Tracy paces frantically, trying to remember his life, as Toofer types.
TRACY
Okay. 1979. I was looking for money in my mother’s room and I found naked pictures of her under the mattress. She was just sitting there in her house coat, holding
one booby like this.
He demonstrates a world-weary pose.
TRACY (CONT’D)
I knew she must have taken these pictures for her boyfriend Sonny. Sonny used to come over twice a month and you always knew when Sonny was coming ‘cause my mom would take us to the store and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with Cocoa Butter. She would be cooking that steak with that Nair on her lip. Cigarette hanging.
And my brother and I would just sit there watching “The Banana Splits,” wondering if that Nair was gonna catch on fire.
(to Toofer)
How many pages do we have now?
TOOFER
Five.
TRACY
(frustrated)
Make the letters bigger, Toof.
Frank looks up from his laptop.
FRANK
According to Wikepedia, you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984.
TRACY
I have no memory of that. Write it up.
CUT TO:
A11
INT. STUDIO - LATER
A11
Jenna is on stage running lines when she sees a rattled Liz walk in. She hurries over to her.
JENNA
What happened? Did you ask him?
LIZ
Well, I was going to --
JENNA
Oh, Liz.
LIZ
But before I could, the Hair asked me out!
JENNA
The “the Hair”?! What did you say?
LIZ
I had to say yes! He looked at me with those crazy, handsome-guy eyes... It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon --
JENNA
No! Do not talk about stuff like that on your date! Guys like that do not like Star Trek --
LIZ
Wars! And you’re right! I don’t go on dates with guys like Gray.
It feels wrong. He’s the Hair and
I’m a Head-plus at best!
JENNA
Or maybe you really are a Hair -- (realizing)
(MORE)
JENNA (CONT'D) And I’m the Head in our relationship! Oh my God! No!
LIZ
I knew I shouldn’t be asking anyone out! I’ve upset the natural
balance of things!
JENNA
I know! Nothing makes any sense. Up is down! Left is right!
Jack walks up dressed in his page outfit carrying a pad and paper.
JACK
Ladies, I’m making a coffee run. Would either of you like anything?
LIZ/JENNA (screaming)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
JACK (writing)
Liz and Jenna... nothing.
CUT TO:
12 INT. BRIAN WILLIAMS’ DRESSING ROOM - LATER 12
Kenneth and Jack are cleaning up. The room is an ungodly mess, littered with clothes, food, liquor bottles.
JACK
Good God, what does that man do in here?
KENNETH
I don’t know, I’ve never met Brian Williams. But his dressing room has to be cleaned up every day between eleven and eleven thirty. That way, when Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it’s nice and tidy.
Kenneth starts to pick up. Jack follows his lead.
JACK
Kenneth, a friend tipped me off about a position opening up in our aviation division.
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D) Entry level, of course.
(seeing something)
Is this a tube sock full of bird seed?
KENNETH
Yes, sir. Just put it in the basket with the others.
JACK
At any rate, I’d be happy to put a word in for you.
KENNETH
What?! And leave show business?! No, thank you.
Jack can’t believe his ears.
JACK Are you kidding?
(then)
What’s your plan, Kenneth?
KENNETH
I like to start cleaning in one corner and then work my way across the room in a zig-zag.
JACK
No, your life plan. You’re learning nothing here. You’re doing nothing. You’re a punching bag.
KENNETH I like this job.
JACK
Kenneth, this isn’t a job! It’s an exercise in constant humiliation!
Kenneth bristles.
KENNETH
Well, if that’s the way you feel... Mr. Donaghy, you’re fired.
JACK
What?
KENNETH
You said I’m your boss for today. (with a wave of his hand)
So I fire you!
Jack reacts.
KENNETH (CONT’D) But first...
Kenneth knocks a blender of what appears to be margaritas onto the floor.
KENNETH (CONT’D) Clean that up.
Kenneth exits, head held high.
13 OMIT SCENE 13
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
FADE IN:
ACT TWO
14 INT. HIP RESTAURANT - NIGHT 14
Liz tentatively enters an over-the-top trendy restaurant.
THE STYLISH CROWD is standing around having cocktails. Liz looks out of place; everyone is thin, beautiful and much taller than she is. She looks around for Gray, lost.
LIZ
(to herself) Oh boy...
She notices Gray talking to a small group of ridiculously fashionable people. As she surreptitiously cups a hand over her mouth to check her breath, he notices her.
GRAY
Liz!
Hi!
LIZ
She holds out her hand. He gives her a kiss on the cheek.
GRAY
Liz, this is Kiara, Francesca, Talbot and Armand.
They ad-lib hellos.
GRAY (CONT’D)
Would you like something to drink?
LIZ Pinot Grigio.
One of the friends is visibly disappointed by that choice. Gray smiles and crosses away. His friends smile politely at Liz for a beat. She looks up at them.
LIZ (CONT’D)
So... You guys been watching “Heroes”? [ALT. You guys like Sudoku?]
They stare at her blankly. A MODEL WAITER approaches with a tray. Liz eagerly grabs an hors d’ouevre. It’s a little wooden box. She opens it, puzzled. There is nothing inside.
WAITER
The hors d’ouevres tonight are boxes of pure oxygen infused with saffron and white truffle oil.
Gray’s friends ooh and ahh over this, take boxes.
LIZ
Excuse me.
Liz ducks aside and dials her cell phone.
CUT TO:
15 INT. JENNA’S APARTMENT/HIP RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS 15
Jenna checks caller ID and picks up in her apartment. WE INTERCUT between her and Liz at the restaurant.
JENNA
Hey, how’s it going?
LIZ (panicked)
It’s terrifying! Everyone’s so tall! This is a Hair party and guess what? I’m definitely not one of them.
JENNA
So what? Fake it! It’s the new you!
LIZ
I can’t! This is too much. I’m gonna go home, watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.
Jenna sighs.
JENNA
All right. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve discovered I’m not a Head.
LIZ
Honestly, that was my next question. I’ll talk to you later.
Liz hangs up and heads for the exit. In Jenna’s apartment, we reveal that the Head is there holding a recorder.
HEAD
Now let’s put the “fun” in “funky”!
Jenna smiles weakly as he starts to play “American Pie.” CUT TO:
16 EXT. STREET/INT. BODEGA - A FEW MINUTES LATER 16
Liz hurries away from the restaurant. Gray comes up behind her.
GRAY
Hey, what are you doing? Why’d you leave?
LIZ
Oh, hey. I’m sorry. That party * was just a little too awesome for * me. *
Liz goes into the bodega, Gray follows. * GRAY
Do you want to go someplace else? *
Just the two of us? *
LIZ * Okay. What’s your game, friend?
Liz grabs a bottle of water from a cooler and gets in line.
GRAY (offended)
“Game”? There’s no game. What are *
you talking about? *
LIZ
I don’t have any money, if that’s what you’re after. And I’m not one of those girls who does weird
things in bed because they think
they have to. If you’re a gay guy * looking for a beard, I don’t do * that anymore. *
(MORE)
LIZ (CONT'D)
And if you’re planning to harvest my organs and sell them, my uncle is a cop so don’t even try!
GRAY
Hey, we’ve all got uncles who are cops. Just take it down a notch.
Liz hands the CLERK her hundred dollar bill.
CLERK
No hundreds. Small bills.
LIZ
Ugh, I knew this was gonna happen.
CLERK Store policy.
LIZ
Well that’s an illegal policy. You have to take this.
CLERK No, I don’t.
Gray steps in.
GRAY
No, sir, you do. See... (pointing at the bill)
It says right here, “Legal tender for all debts public and private.”
CLERK
No hundreds! * (to another customer)
Next.
Gray and Liz are both getting worked up.
GRAY
You can’t decide what money you’ll accept. That’s illegal!
LIZ
It’s an illegal policy!
CLERK
You’re holding up the line --
GRAY
No, you’re holding up the line!
LIZ
No, you’re holding up the line!
Liz and Gray look at each other and smile. What a wonderful bonding experience, yelling at a third party over a shared sense of petty injustice!
CUT TO:
17 OMIT SCENE 17
18 OMIT SCENE
18 *
19 EXT. 30 ROCK - THE NEXT MORNING Establishing shot. A new day.
CUT TO:
19 *
20 INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - MORNING 20
Tracy, and a now exhausted and haggard Frank and Toofer are still at it. Empty cans, fast food wrappers and even more piles of discarded paper are everywhere.
TRACY
1998. Okay, what happened in 1998? Well, that movie I made with O.J. Simpson in 1994 still hadn’t found
a distributor. I tested positive for Lyme disease but decided to forgo treatment. I spent most of the summer in the studio, recording my Christmas album. Which was
huge.
Frank and Toofer look at each other. “He did a Christmas
Album?” Tracy starts to sing a song from it...
TRACY (CONT’D) IMAGINE CHRISTMAS WISHES SHOOTING OUT YOUR EYES.
(MORE)
TRACY (CONT’D)
A CANDY CAKE FULL OF SNOW DREAMS A STOCKING FULL OF SMILES.
IT’S A JORDAN CHRISTMAS!
FRANK
I remember that. The video was raunchy.
CUT TO:
21 EXT. 30 ROCK - MORNING 21
Liz heads into work with a cup of coffee. There is a spring in her step. Gray is outside waiting for her.
LIZ
(pleasantly surprised) Oh. Hi.
GRAY
Hi. So did you get home okay?
LIZ
Yeah. Thank you for convincing me * to go back to the party. It was * fun. But I ate way too much * oxygen. *
He picks at something imaginary on her coat. * GRAY *
Yeah, you have a little oxygen *
right here. *
LIZ * Oh, thank you. * (then) *
I know it’s pathetic but I’m kinda trying to make myself do new
things. And last night was all new for me.
GRAY
Well, here’s something else I bet you’ve never done before; call in sick to work and go to a movie.
LIZ
A movie? With you? Now? *
Liz considers this. She gets out her cell phone and dials.
LIZ (CONT’D) * (into phone, “sick”)
Hey, Pete, it’s me. I’m not coming in today. I’ve got some kinda flu thing I think. Oh God, hold on --
Liz pours some of her coffee onto the street and holds her phone out as she makes a gagging sound.
LIZ (CONT’D)
Oh, God. I just barfed on Sixth
Avenue...
Liz looks up and sees Jack staring at her on his way from his limo into work. He saw what she was doing. Liz hangs up.
LIZ (CONT’D)
Jack. Hello. I was just, um... This is Gray.
Jack and Gray exchange a manly handshake, ad-lib hellos. Jack gives Gray a once-over, then looks at Liz. A beat.
JACK
You’re looking a little under the weather, Lemon. You should go home.
He nods and strides into 30 Rock. Liz watches him go, speechless. Gray grabs her hand and pulls her away.
CUT TO:
22 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - PAGE DESK - LATE MORNING 22
Jack walks by the page desk. It’s empty. He looks at his watch and sighs.
CUT TO:
|
INT. BRIAN WILLIAMS’ DRESSING ROOM
|
- MOMENTS LATER
|
23
|
|
Kenneth is cleaning the once again
|
filthy dressing room.
|
|
|
23
Jack enters to find Kenneth scrubbing a sharpied wall that now reads “KA... COUR... SU...”
JACK
Kenneth, do you have a minute?
(cold)
KENNETH
I sure don’t.
Jack starts to help Kenneth straighten up. He picks up a bunch of hardcore porn magazines and stacks them.
JACK
I think you and I actually have a lot in common, Kenneth. We’re both hard workers. When I was your age
I was putting myself through college in Boston paddling Swan Boats for tourists.
KENNETH
Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?
JACK
No, Kenneth. My point is, I worked hard because I wanted to get somewhere. I had drive. And it disappoints me to see you without a dream, content with this
meaningless pitiful job.
Kenneth stands up from cleaning up a drumstick and a doll’s head. He faces Jack.
KENNETH
Do you know why I put up with this pitiful job, Mr. Donaghy? Why I fetch these folks’ lunches, and clean up their barfs? Because they make television. And more than
jazz or musical theater or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form. Think of all the shared experiences television has provided us. From the moon landing to the “Golden Girls” finale. From Walter Cronkite
denouncing Vietnam to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon. From the glory and
pageantry of the Summer Olympics, to the less fun Winter Olympics!
(MORE)
KENNETH (CONT'D) Television has shaped who we are, and who we are are big ‘ol Americans. So please don’t tell me I don’t have a dream, sir. I am living my dream.
A whole pizza that was stuck to the ceiling falls onto the coffee table.
KENNETH (CONT’D)
Oh my. How did he get that up there?
JACK
I wish I shared your passion for television, Kenneth.
(gets an idea)
Hey. Which would you rather watch? A talk show hosted by the voice of the dead lady from “Desperate Housewives”? Or a reality show where hot nannies help fat kids--
KENNETH
Neither! I wanna see a show where women get their hair done while listening to salsa music.
Kenneth empties the trash. It’s full of liquor bottles.
KENNETH (CONT’D)
I also have an idea for a cop show called “K-9” exclamation point!
(MORE)
KENNETH (CONT’D) Oh, and a game show called “Goldcase!” It’s a cross between “Deal or No Deal” and “Millionaire”
--
JACK (intrigued)
Go on.
CUT TO:
24 INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME 24
Despite the fact that Toofer and Frank are running on fumes, the mood is jubilant; there are clean stacks of manuscript on the table. They’re almost done. Tracy is mid-sentence...
TRACY
...woke up inside a camper at the auto show. So that was how 2006 ended. 2007!
Toofer is typing as fast as he can. Tracy is on fire.
TOOFER
I can’t believe this. We’re actually going to pull this off.
TRACY
It was early January 2007 when I had the idea to write my autobiography. So I got a meeting at Random House and I went in and talked to this editor about it and that dude looked me straight in the eye and said, “No thank you, Mr. Jordan. We do not want your book-”
(hearing himself)
Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.
Tracy grabs his car keys and exits. Toofer and Frank watch him go, devastated.
CUT TO:
25 OMIT SCENE 25 25
26 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - THE NEXT MORNING 26
Kenneth and Jack sit with a group of FOUR EXECUTIVES. Jonathan has laid out juice, coffee and pastries.
KENNETH
It’s called “Goldcase”! It’s “Deal or No Deal” meets “Millionaire.” There are ten models, each holding an identical briefcase. But one of them is filled with gold --
EXECUTIVE
(hiding his enthusiasm) Have you pitched this idea to anybody else?
KENNETH
Well, I talked to Moonvest over at
CBS?
The execs whisper to each other.
EXECUTIVE
Les Moonves knows about this? We gotta move fast.
FLASHBACK TO:
27 EXT. BLACK ROCK, 6TH AVENUE - DAY 27
Kenneth straddles his bike, drinking a pop with a straw,
talking to a wild-looking homeless man in a vest with moons all over it, MOONVEST.
KENNETH
Hey, Moonvest! I got an idea for a game show last night!
MOONVEST Grraaaagghhh! Give me your fingernails!
KENNETH
No!
He bikes off.
CUT BACK:
28 INT. JACK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 28
Kenneth and the execs are as we left them.
EXECUTIVE
Mr. Parcell, we love “Goldcase.” How do we make your show?
KENNETH
I thought y’all would know... where to get cameras and stuff.
JACK (quietly)
He means, “How much do you want for it?”
KENNETH
Oh. As far as compensation goes... I would like to officially be head of the pages and I need a new clock radio --
Jack immediately stops Kenneth and pulls him close.
JACK
Kenneth. Be a businessman, here. Dream big.
KENNETH
Also, I want five points on the back end, twenty percent gross on merchandizing, and a creator credit on this and any international editions.
(quickly)
And a clock radio.
Jack smiles proudly as Kenneth and the execs shake hands.
CUT TO:
29 INT. GRAY’S LOFT - ANOTHER NIGHT 29
The elevator opens and Gray and Liz enter the apartment.
LIZ
No way! Your elevator opens right into the apartment! That’s sick!
Thank you.
GRAY
Gray goes into the apartment and starts turning on lights. Liz hovers by the elevator.
GRAY (CONT’D) Are you coming in?
LIZ
I don’t know. This is new for me.
I don’t hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen in kick-ass elevator lofts.
Gray gently pulls her by the hand into the apartment.
GRAY
What else don’t you do?
As he leads her to the couch.
LIZ
I don’t smoke. I don’t use any drugs except my asthma medicine. I don’t download music without paying for it. I don’t wear flip-flops. Ever.
Gray sits and starts to ease Liz onto his lap. Liz pops up.
LIZ (CONT’D)
No! I don’t sit on laps.
GRAY
(playful disbelief)
Really?! You’re not that kind of girl?
LIZ
No. I’m not a lap-sitter. Never have been.
FLASHBACK TO:
30 INT. SHOPPING MALL - CHRISTMAS, 1980 30
On home video we see TEN-YEAR-OLD LIZ standing next to a
DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA and formally shaking his hand.
TEN-YEAR-OLD LIZ Nice to see you again.
CUT BACK TO:
31 INT. GRAY’S LOFT - CONTINUOUS 31
Gray and Liz are as we left them.
GRAY
I thought you were trying new things.
She takes a deep breath and tentatively sits in his lap.
GRAY (CONT’D) See? Not so bad.
LIZ
No. It’s not bad. (then)
I’m waiting for something to go wrong.
He laughs.
GRAY
Liz. I’m not gay. I’m not
married. I don’t have a human head in my freezer.
LIZ
But you’re The Hair.
GRAY So are you.
Liz smiles. They look at each other. Some stuff is about to happen.
LIZ
Right. So we’re doing this. Okay.
Liz leans in for a kiss, then notices something on the end table. She straightens up and picks up a nearby photo.
LIZ (CONT’D) (chuckling, puzzled)
Why do you have a picture of my great-Aunt Dolly?
GRAY No, that’s my --
(thinks)
Grandmother’s cousin, Dolly. Dolly-
Harlan.
GRAY
LIZ
Harlan.
LIZ *
You gotta be kidding me!!
Liz and Gray jump up, freaked out.
|
|
GRAY
|
|
LIZ
|
|
*
|
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Oh come on!
|
No way!!
|
Oh that
|
is just...
|
Dammit!!
|
|
LIZ (CONT’D) That is the worst!
They look at each other from across the room for a beat, studying each other.
GRAY
Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were third cousins...
LIZ
Okay, on three say what level of cousins we would have to be for
this to be okay. One, two, three --
LIZ (CONT’D) Unacceptable no matter what.
GRAY (quickly)
Fifth.
GRAY *
You’re right. This isn’t gonna work.
LIZ
Of course it isn’t! It never was! If you weren’t my cousin you would have... accidentally killed me during playful rough-housing! This is what I get for trying to be someone I’m not.
She heads for the elevator. Gray rolls his eyes and intercepts her.
GRAY
Look, I meant what I said back when I was some guy trying to have sex with you. And I still mean it now that we’re related. You’re a Hair, Liz Lemon. Accept it. Embrace it.
Liz smiles, “Thanks.” He smiles back. A beat. Gray does a quick calculation in his head.
GRAY (CONT’D)
I think we’re... third cousins.
LIZ (immediately)
Yeah. See you at the reunion.
She exits.
CUT TO:
32 INT. STUDIO - ONE WEEK LATER 32
Kenneth's game show pilot is being taped on a “Deal or No
Deal” kind of set. The execs are on hand. TEN MODELS stand on a dais with briefcases. There’s lots of sting music. The host, JOHN MCENROE, stands with a CONTESTANT.
JOHN MCENROE Alright, Jeff. One of these briefcases is filled with a hundred thousand dollars worth of solid gold! Are you ready? Let’s play “Goldcase!”
A tense beat with thinking music. The contestant notices that one of the models is really struggling to hold up her briefcase. He points at her.
CONTESTANT
That one.
JOHN MCENROE
Congratulations! You struck gold on “Goldcase!”
Some “you win” music plays, the crowd goes bonkers! John McEnroe high-fives the contestant. WE ANGLE ON: Jack and Kenneth off to the side.
JACK
Uh-oh.
What?
KENNETH
CUT TO: A quick montage of CONTESTANTS pointing to the right briefcase as models struggle to hold the one full of gold and John McEnroe gets increasingly frustrated.
JOHN MCENROE
This game doesn’t work. Whose idea was this?!
ANGLE ON: Jack and Kenneth.
KENNETH
I didn’t think about that.
JACK
Okay. My bad! Shut it down! (pats Kenneth’s back)
Your first huge failure. Congratulations. You’re on your way to the top.
He strides away. Kenneth smiles.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
