111 “Black Tie”
by
Kay Cannon
&
Tina Fey
Directed by
Don Scardino
Executive Producers: Lorne Michaels
Tina Fey
JoAnn Alfano
Marci Klein
David Miner
Broadway Video Television SHOOTING DRAFT — 11/17/06
254 West 54t St, I 1” Floor FIRST REVISED (BLUE) — 11/20106
New York, NY 10019
© 2006 BY NBC STUDIOS, INC.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOT TO BE DUPLICATED WITHOUT PERMISSION. This material is property of NBC Studios, Inc. and is intended solely for use by its personnel.
The sale, copying, reproduction or exploitation of this material in any form is prohibited.
Distribution or disclosure of this material to unauthorized persons is prohibited.
30 ROCK
111: ‘Black Tie’t SHOOTING DRAFT FiRST REVISED (BLUE)
11/20/06
LOCATI ONS
TNT. WRITERS’ ROOM INT. STUDIO
TNT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE
TNT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM TNT. PETE’S OFFICE
TNT. WARDROBE
TNT. ELEVATOR BANK NT. HOTEL BALLROOM TNT. HOTEL BAR
TNT. HOTEL BALLROOM - HEAD TABLE TNT. HOTEL BALLROOM - JENNA’S TABLE
TNT. HOTEL LADIES’ BATHROOM
TNT. LIZ’S APARTMENT
TNT. LIZ’S APARTMENT HALLWAY EXT. LIZ’S APARTMENT BUILDING EXT. PIERRE HOTEL
TNT. GREAT HALL
TNT. GRAND HALLWAY TNT. STAIRCASE
TNT. ENTRY-WAY STAIRCASE
TNT. UPPER LEVEL STAIRCASE TNT. BATHROOM
OMIT - TNT. HORS D’OUEVRES TABLE
30 ROCK 111: Black Tie” 1. Shooting Draft First Revised (Blue) 11/20/06
ACT ONE
FADE
1 INT. STUDIO - MORNING 1
FRANK judges LIZ and JOSH in a “snap-off” as they pass time on the set. A few EXTRAS look on.
JOSH
Check it out. Yo mamma is so
stupid, she thinks an iI’1ac is a new
hamburger at McDonalds.
FRANK
Okay. Not bad.
LIZ
Okay, okay, I got one. What’s the
difference between yo mamma and a
washing machine? When I drop a
load in the washing machine, it
doesn’t follow me around for a
week.
Everyone laughs.
FRANK
That’s awesome.
JACK walks onto the set.
JACK
Lemon, might I see you alone for a
moment?
LIZ
That’s what your sister asked me
last nights Booya!
Liz holds a high-five a little too close to Jack’s face. He stares her down. She takes her hand down.
LIZ (CONT’D) (clears her throat)
What’s up?
Jack pulls Liz aside.
JACK
My friend Gerhardt Hapsburg is
throwing a birthday party for
himself at The Pierre tonight -—
LIZ
And you want me to think of something funny for you to write in the card?
JACK
Actually, no. I want you to come with me.
Oh.
LIZ (thrown)
(then)
Who’s Gerhardt Hapsburg?
*
JACK
Prince Gerhardt is the last male
*
descendant of the Imperial House of
Hapsburg.
(off blank look)
They ruled the Austro-Hungarian
Empire? The Defenestration of
Prague? Maximilian the First?
(then)
What exactly did you study in
college, Lemon?
LIZ Theater Tech.
JACK
Hnim. Look, I’m inviting you to the social event of the season.
LIZ
I don’t know, Jack. Would I have
to wear high heel shoes?
JACK
Yes. This will be good for you.
You finally got Dennis out of your
life. Your Philadelphia accent is
softening every day you spend here.
You’ve even started wearing
lipstick --
LIZ
NOr they’re just really chapped.
JACK
I’ve arranged to have wardrobe find you a dress.
(MORE)
30 ROCK 111: “Black Tie” 3. Shooting Draft First Revised (Blue) 11/20/06
JACK (CONT’D)
I thought you might enjoy meeting a
more cultured group of people.
He indicates Frank and Josh who are nearby, giggling and trying to spray each other in the crotch with water bottles.
LIZ
Okay. Fine. I’ll do it. But I’m
not gonna like it.
JACK (deadpan)
That’s what your moms said to me last night. Booya.
CUT TO:
2 INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE CONTINUOUS 2
PETE is on the page desk phone. TRACY enters partway through this.
PETE
(on phone, frustrated)
Yes, dear, it is hard to drive from
New Jersey to St. Louis in one day with five kids in the car. That’s why I told you not to do it...
What do you mean Kyle drove the last leg? He’s 13... Oh boy, who’s crying now? Is that Caleb?
TRACY What’s up, Pete?
Pete waves haif-heartedly at Tracy.
PETE (on phone)
Airight, okay, I’ll try. Put it on
speaker.
(in his best Elmo voice)
“Elmo wants you to aim your peepee
at the potty... No, not on mommy, on the potty... How was that Elmo’s fault?!”
Tracy shakes his head, amused.
PETE (CONT’D) (into phone, Elmo)
“No, mommy, Elmo will rQ tell
daddy that. Did mommy have some
wine before she called Elmo ——?“
Tracy snatches the phone from Pete.
TRACY
(imitating dialtone, into phone)
Click. Ehhhhhhhhhh!!
Tracy hangs it up.
TRACY (CONT’D)
Pete, Pete, Pete. Where’s your
spinal column, son?
PETE
What? No, it’s just my wife is
visiting her folks and she’s stressed out ——
TRACY
Sounds like you got yourself a
“Delilah.”
Tracy heads into his dressing room, Pete follows.
A what?
PETE
TRACY
There are two types of women in the world, Pete. Women who give you
strength, and women who take your strength from you like Delilah took Samson’s strength in that movie.
3 INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
CUT
3
A HISPANIC WOMAN sits on the couch. When Tracy enters starts rubbing his shoulders.
TRACY (CONT’D)
My wife gives me strength, makes me
feel like a man. That’s why she’s so special.
she
Pete extends his hand to the woman.
PETE
I actually haven’t met your wife yet.
TRACY That ain’t my wife!
(to the girl)
Go get me a tuna melt!
The girl exits. Pete looks confused.
TRACY (CONT’D) (pulls Pete close to him)
It’s like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We’re a team. That’s why, about eight times a week, I go to strip clubs. It gives me energy that I bring back to her.
PETE
And your wife doesn’t get jealous?
TRACY
Naw, she likes it. It keeps me
strongl Like a SamsonL
KENNETH innocently enters with Tracy’s lunch. As a demonstration of strength, Tracy yells and shoves him to the ground.
Samson1
TRACY (CONT’D)
Oh myl
KEL’JNETH
(then)
Great shoving, Jordan.
TRACY
You need your manhood back. You gotta be, what’s the word? Robustible! Let’s blow it out tonight. I’m gonna turn you into a Samson.
PETE
No, thanks. That’s not how
roll.
Pete exits. Kenneth is still there with Tracy’s lunch.
A)
KENNETH
Anyway, so the deli said they
couldn’t --
Tracy shoves Kenneth into the wall and to the ground.
KENNETH (O.C.) (CONT’D) (brightly)
Down I gol
CUT
4 INT. WARDROBE LATER 4
Liz is trying on a strapless evening gown. It looks wonky. JENNA enters.
JENNA
Wow. What’s that for?
LIZ
I’m going to a birthday party for some prince tonight --
JENNA
You mean like one of those dog
birthday parties?
LEE spins the dress around, Liz had it on backwards.
LIZ (re: dress)
Oh, that’s better.
(to Jenna)
No, it’s some real, European
prince. Gerhardt Hapsburg?
JENNA
What? You have to take me with
you. It’s always been my dream to
meet and marry a princes Like a
modern-day Cinderella story.
Lee hands Liz a different dress. She ducks in the back to try it on.
LIZ (O.C.)
Hey, maybe I’m Cinderella this
time.
JENNA
No, Liz, Cinderella is blonde. You can be Snow White and party with a bunch of little people. Take mel
Liz re-emerges. This dress is better.
LIZ
I can’t take you. I’m only getting
in because Donaghy is taking me --
JENNA
Wait, you’re Jack Donaghy’s date?
LIZ
No. It’s not a date.
JENNA
Are you sure? I mean, he knows you
just broke up with Dennis and then
he invites you to a big, fancy
party?
LIZ It’s not a date.
Liz rolls her eyes. Jack enters, takes Liz in.
JACK Wow. Lemon.
Jenna raises an eyebrow to Liz.
JACK (CONT’D) Here. I got you something.
He opens a necklace. closes the
Jack gives to Liz.
large jewelry box, revealing a beautiful diamond
Liz gasps and tentatively reaches for it. He
lid down on her hand like in Pretty Woman.”
LIZ
Ow! That hurt my hand! DagI Who
does that?1
JACK
Sorry. Our car will be downstairs
at seven.
Liz an approving once-over and exits. Jenna turns
JENNA
This is definitely a date.
LIZ No. Is it?!
Jenna nods.
30 ROCK 111: ‘B1ack Tie’ 8. Shooting Draft First Revised (Blue) 11/20/06
JENNA
And powerful men like Jack expect sex on the first date.
LIZ
Why would you say that to me?1
JENNA
I just want to make sure you shave
your legs. Past the knee.
CUT
TO:
5 EXT. PIERRE HOTEL - EARLY EVENING 5
Establishing shot.
CUT
6 INT. ENTRY-WAY STAIRCASE/GREAT HALL - EARLY EVENING
Jack and Liz enter the party. it is a gorgeous affair. wears an unfortunate, mismatched fleece jacket over her Jack takes it from her and hands it to the COAT-CHECK. embarrassed, tries to justify her ugly coat to the coat guy.
6
Liz gown. Liz, check
LIZ
I didn’t know I was coining to this
tonight.
JACK
Don’t apologize. You look great.
He offers Liz his arm to assist her down the stairs. Liz freezes; she doesn’t want to send Jack the wrong signal.
LIZ
No, I’ve got it.
Jack shrugs and goes down the stairs. Liz gingerly follows.
LIZ (CONT’D) (to herself)
Careful... Careful...
A SERVER comes up to Jack with champagne. Jack takes two glasses, and hands one to Liz as she comes up.
To usl
JACK
LIZ (blurting)
Is this a date?!
Jack nearly does a spit-take.
Excuse me? Jack laughs.
JACK
JACK (CONT’D)
Lemon, I date models! Olympic
skiers! Asian newscasters! From
1998 to 2001, I was “friends with
benefits” with Elizabeth Hurley.
(still laughing)
Oh my God. That’s so funny to me
that you thought that.
LIZ (irked)
Okay. Fine. My mistake.
Jack points at different BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN there that he has been with.
On a
JACK
I mean... her! Her! Them!
roll, he gestures to a WELL-HEELED JACK (CONT’D)
His daughter!
(off the man’s look)
-- Is a swell girl! Good to
you, Wes.
see
standing nearby.
Jack
INT.
and Wes shake hands as Liz fumes at her humiliation.
CUT TO: PETE’S OFFICE LATER 7
Pete sits happily at his desk getting ready for a night of work. He takes a sip of tea and burns the roof of his mouth.
PETE
Come on, Hornbergerl Every tiinei
30 ROCK 111: Black Tie” 10. Shooting Draft First Revised (Blue) 11/20/06
Pete settles in to work as Tracy barges in with a movable party of GRIZZ, DOTCOM, SOME OTHER RANDOM DUDES, and a BEVY OF GIRLS of all shapes, sizes and ages. There is even an intimidating “big-boned” girl called SUPER-SI2E still in her waitress uniform.
TRACY
TonightI We explore our bodies and
our mindsI
Tracy cranks up party music as Pete cowers.
8 EXT. PIERRE HOTEL SAME TIME
CUT
8
A gorgeous Jenna gets out of a cab and walks up to the with an exaggerated sense of confidence.
CUT BACK
9 INT. GRAND HALLWAY/BAR/STAIRCASE - MOMENTS LATER
Jack and Liz are as we left them. Wes has moved on.
JACK
Russian tennis players, the
third, lesser—known Hilton sister
who isn’t a giant skank, Brazilian
ass models --
LIZ
Okay! I get it You would never
date me. Good, by the way.
JACK
I invited you here to help you take
another step into the wider world,
Lemon. It’s like the George
Bernard Shaw play “Pygmalion.”
(for her benefit)
You may know it as “My Fair Lady.”
hotel
9
LIZ
Uh, not only do I know “Pygmalion,”
I ran the light-board for it.
(then)
I’ll be at the bar eating nuts.
Liz crosses away to the bar and is intercepted by Jenna.
LIZ (CONT’D) How did you get in here?
30 ROCK 111: “Black Tie’ 11. Shooting Draft First Revised (Blue) 11/20/06
JENNA
Liz. If you dress well and enter
with confidence, you can get in
anywhere.
LIZ
You showed the security guy your boobs, didn’t you?
JENNA
Just one. It’s not the White
House.
(to the bartender) Choco-tini, please.
LIZ
You were dead wrong about this being a “date” by the way. I just made a total ass out of myself with Jack.
JENNA
I’m sorry. When I’m the Queen of
Australia, I’ll have him executed.
LIZ It’s Austria.
JENNA
That’s what I said, Liz.
A trumpet fanfare is heard from the staircase. A livened servant, TOIIAS, who speaks with a thick German accent, stands at the top of the stairs and addresses the guests.
TOMAS
Ladies and gentlemen. May I
present His Royal Highness, Prince
Gerhardt von Toureg Lothingen
Hapsburg.
JENNA (whispers to Liz)
This is iti
Jenna checks her teeth and cleavage as THE CROWD applauds and parts to reveal GERHARDT. Generations of inbreeding have taken their toll. He is short, sweaty, and hunchbacked. His tiny, puppet-like legs freely wiggle over the edge of his wicker electric wheelchair.
He has tiny, fang-like teeth. He lisps. One hand is carved out of ivory. His breathing is labored. He drools. He’s a disaster.
GERHARDT
Thank you. Thank you all, dear *
friends --
(inexplicably screaming) FOR COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY!!
LIZ
Who’s Snow White now?
Liz exits as Jenna looks on, slack-jawed.
CUT TO:
10 INT. HOTEL BALLROOM MOMENTS LATER 10
Liz eagerly follows a passing tray of hors d’ouevres, grabs something off it and sees it has led her back to Jack.
JACK
Gerhardt is amazing, isn’t he? A
lot of people in his situation would be angry at their family for
the centuries of inbreeding. But not Gerhardt. No, he’s too busy trying to stave off infection.
(notices something)
Oh my GodI What is she doing
here?!
Jack tries to hide behind Liz. She turns and sees a striking
woman, BIANCA, entering with an older man, VINCENT. *
LIZ
Who?
JACK My ex—wifeL
LIZ
You were married? Wow. She’s
gorgeous. And surprisingly age
appropriate.
JACK
Dammit. I was told she was in
Paris. The party of the year, that
woman shows up and I’m all alone!
|
30 ROCK 111: “Black Tie”
|
|
13.
|
|
Shooting Draft First Revised
|
(Blue)
|
11/20/06
|
|
LIZ
(mouthful of food) Thanks.
Bianca spots them and approaches. She smiles warmly and seems completely normal.
JACK
Look at her. She’s trying to make
me crazy.
Bianca and Vincent walk up to Jack. She kisses him on the cheek. She seems totally unaffected and pleasant. It drives Jack insane.
BIANCA
Johnny. It’s been a while. You
look good.
Liz mouths, “Johnny?1” to herself.
JACK
(jaw clenched)
Bianca. *
BIANCA *
You remember my fiancé, Vincent
Foley.
Vincent and Jack shake hands.
Uh-huh.
JACK
(then)
And this is my live-in girlfriend,
Elizabeth Lemon.
Liz reacts. Jack shoots her a little pleading look.
LIZ
It’s nice to meet you.
FADE OUT.
ND OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE
INT.
IN:
HOTEL BALLROOM - COI1TINUOUS 11
Everyone is as we left them. Bianca gives Liz a once over.
BIANCA
And how did you two find each other?
Bianca
LIZ
Through the Big Brother/Little
Sister program.
laughs.
BIANCA
Congratulations, John. She’s much
sharper than that last girl. What
was her name?
Beyoncé.
JACK
LIZ
And, unlike most of Jack’s
girlfriends, I have all my original
parts.
BIANCA
Hang on to this one, John. She’s a
keeper.
LIZ
Yeah, I’m a keeper.
Bianca and Vince cross away. Liz tries to tease Jack.
LIZ (CONT’]D)
So now it’s a date? I thought I
could never be your date, “John.”
I thought no one would ever believe
it.
(Igor voice)
Because I’m too grotesque.
Jack is glum and won’t play along.
JACK
Thank you for not embarrassing me.
30 ROCK 1].1: ‘Black Tie” 14A. Shooting Draft First Revised (Blue) 11/20/06
LIZ
Hey, are you airight?
JACK (“chipper”)
Nothing drinking alone can’t fix.
Jack crosses away to
the bar. Liz watches him go.
CUT
TO:
All
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM -
LATER
JENNA’S TABLE/HEAD TABLE - MOMENTS All
At a table across the way, Jenna sits drinking, dejected. Tomas approaches Jenna.
TOMAS
Excuse me, miss, but His Highness
has noticed you.
JENNA
Who, Gerhardt? Really?
Jenna turns to the head table where flailing utensils dangerously.
Gerhardt
*
eats messily,
*
TOMAS
His Highness is quite taken and
invites you to dine next to him.
JENNA
Oh. Wow. That’s flattering. Are
you sure he meant
She looks toward Gerhardt again. He sees her and slowly blinks both his eyes really hard in her direction.
TOMAS
His Highness is attempting to wink
at you.
Jenna thinks for a beat. This is rough. She downs her drink.
JENNA
I’m just going to need a second to
freshen up.
She
heads to the bathroom.
CUT
TO:
12 INT.
HOTEL LADIES’ BATHROOM - SECONDS LATER 12
Liz is washing her hands. Jenna
enters.
JENNA
There you are. I need your help.
I’ve been invited to dine with His
Majesty.
LIZ
Oh. If you’re looking to sneak out
the window, it doesn’t open. I
already checked.
Jenna starts to apply lipstick in the mirror.
LIZ (CONT’D)
Wait. Are you actually considering
this?
JENNA
Of course I’m considering it. You
know that I have always reminded
myself of Grace Kelly.
Liz gives Jenna a look in the mirror, “What?” JENNA (CONT’D)
I’m not going to be gorgeous
forever. Who knows how long the
show will last and I have no other
skills whatsoever. I need to find
someone who will take care of me.
LIZ
I don’t think Gerhardt can take
*
care of you.
JENNA
And I can get past someone’s looks.
LIZ Since when?
JENNA
I’m an actress, Liz. It would be
my greatest role of all time.
LIZ
You’ve already made up your mind
about this, haven’t you?
JENNA
You’re right, Liz. I should go for
it
S
LIZ
You’re not even listening to me. Poop. Lumpy butt.
*
JENNA
No, you’re a good friend. And
thank you, I do look pretty.
Jenna exits.
CUT
13 INT. WRITERS’ ROOM/PETE’S OFFICE - SAME TIME 13
The party has grown and taken over the writers’ room.
Kenneth is there holding a broken lamp and looking alarmed at what’s going on. He approaches BURDITT.
KENNETH
Sir, I saw you break this. I’m
going to need your name.
BURDITT
It’s John Goscrewyourself.
KENNETH
And is that John with an “h”?
Kenneth picks up a pen and paper as Burditt walks away. In Pete’s office, Tracy is in a corner enjoying the company of several women. Pete is at his desk, miserable.
TRACY
You enjoying yourself, Pete?
PETE
Actually, Tracy, I’ve got a lot of
work to do.
Super—size stares Pete down as she sits atop his desk. Pete looks scared.
TRACY
Hey, Super-size! Take good care of
that dude. That there is my friend
Pete Hornberger. He saved my life when we were in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down and he peed in my
mouth so I could live.
Super-size, not impressed, crosses to hang with Grizz.
PETE
(to everyone)
No, no. I’m just a producer on
Tracy’s show.
This piques the curiosity of the prettiest girl in the room, VIKKI. She gets off of Tracy’s lap and crosses to Pete.
VIKKI
You’re a producer? I’m an actress.
Oh yeah?
PETE
VIKKI
Have you ever seen the movie
“Secret Touchings”? I’m the
scientist in that.
She sits on his lap.
PETE
No, not familiar with that
VIKKI
Your name sounds Jewish. You must be important.
Vikki runs her fingers through his hair. Pete takes in this hot thing who is actually paying attention to him. Kenneth sees this from the doorway and is appalled.
PETE
Well I... I just run the show. It
couldn’t go on without me.
Kenneth approaches.
KENNETH (worried)
Mr. Hornberger, this is shocking. I mean, what’s next? Playing
cards?I
TRACY
Mind your business, son! He’s
embracing his power!
(to a lady on his lap)
Mmm, baby. Your breath smells like
buttermilk.
14 INT. HOTEL BAR/BALLROOM LATER
CUT
14
Liz enters to find a forlorn Jack drinking. She joins
LIZ
Are you gonna come sit down? Because they put out lobster tails
and... I wanna eat yours.
Jack doesn’t even look at her. He’s staring out at Bianca on *
the dance floor. Liz follows his gaze. Beat.
LIZ (CONT’D)
So, you really loved her, huh?
Jack takes a drink.
JACK
Bianca was the best chance I ever
had at love, but I was consumed by
work. For God’s sake, I was in charge of Small Appliance when I
was twenty-eight! Can you imagine that?
LIZ
That’s like toasters? I think I
can.
JACK
I took Bianca for granted. She *
packed her bags, grabbed the dog
and left. I didn’t even know we
had a dog.
LIZ
(super sympathetic)
Wow. What kind of dog was it?
(off his look)
I’m sorry. I’m not great at asking
the right questions in these
situations.
JACK
No, I’m sorry, Lemon. I’m sorry I
insulted you before by saying I
would never date someone like you.
LIZ
That’s okay. It’s just, being a
single woman in 2007 ——
JACK
(lost in thought)
The truth is I haven’t been able to
trust a woman since Bianca. That’s *
why the past fifteen years have
been nothing but empty,
meaningless, consistently mind—
blowing sex with hot young women I
never want to see again.
LIZ
That’s heartbreaking.
JACK
I blame Bianca. She never looked
back once. She flourished after
the divorce. Lost weight, cut her
hair, started selling her custom
bedding designs at Target.
LIZ
Wait, “Fabulous Alone by Bianca”?
I have those.
JACK
Look at her over there taunting me.
Liz looks over to see Bianca having a completely normal conversation with AN ELDERLY COUPLE.
JACK (CONT’D)
Seeing her so happy and normal
makes me crazy.
Bianca
LIZ (sympathetic)
You gotta move Ofl, maybe.
approaches. *
JACK
Is she coming over here? If she
comes over here, I’m going to smash
her face.
LIZ
Okay, let’s go. Let’s go dance.
Liz leads Jack to the dance floor. They start slow dancing. A beat.
LIZ (CQNT’D) Wow. This is awkward.
JACK It really is.
The slow song transitions into a fast-paced song. Relieved, Jack and Liz separate and start fast dancing. They are not good. A beat.
They
LIZ
This is actually worse.
laugh.
CUT
TO:
15 INT.
Jerina
HOTEL BALLROOM - HEAD TABLE SANE TIME 15
sits next to Gerhardt as he finishes a story.
GERHARDT
Whence my fascination with the *
various species of beetle that
populate the Danube valley.
Jenna laughs, her hair with
Oh, YOU
completely charmed by this. Gerhardt strokes his ivory hand.
GERHARDT (CONT’D) my dear Jenna —- (shouting)
ARE EXQUISITEI
JENNA (swallows hard)
Gerhardt, would you like to dance? *
GERHARDT
Sadly, because my body does not
produce joint fluid, I cannot. But
I would enjoy watching you dance
for me.
She dives in and starts “sensually” dancing for Gerhardt, *
gracelessly writhing from side to side.
CUT
16 INT. WRITERS’ ROOM SAME TIME 16
Pete quickly finishes his one “40 ounce” drink and wildly dances with Vikki. They shout to be heard over the music.
VIKKI
Everyone thinks I’m five-five, but
I’m really five-four!
PETE (sincere)
That’s an amazing story!
Kenneth pulls Pete aside and whispers loudly.
KENNETH
What are you doing?! You’re a
married man.
PETE
I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just dancing, Kenneth.
KENNETH
Do you remember the movie
“Footloose” where those evil kids
won in the end? You’re going to
make a mistake tonighti
Tracy “flies” into frame horizontally, doing his special
“Superman” dance, and grabs Pete.
TRACY
You’re going to make a in±stake tonight!
KENNETH
Remember the vows that you and your
wife took in that church --
PETE Botanical garden.
KENNETH
Botanical garden. You promised
fidelity
TRACY Lick her facet
Pete
KENNETH
Think of God!
notices that Vikki is now dancing with Burditt.
PETE
Great, now she’s dancing with Jack
Burditt!
(to Kenneth and Tracy)
Both of you calm down. I’m just
trying to have some fun for the
first time in like ten years!
Pete exits, frustrated. Tracy starts dancing again.
KENNETH
I’m not going to let that girl out
of my sight.
TRACY
I need you to go pick me up some
smokes and a mozzarella panini.
Yes, sir!
KENNETH
Kenneth exits as Tracy continues to dance.
CUT BACK TO:
17 INT. HOTEL BALLROOM/HEAD TABLE SAME TIME 17
Liz and Jack are still fast-dancing.
The music stops abruptly for Tomas to announce...
TOMAS
Ladies and Gentlemen, i you will
please direct your attention to the
head table. It is now time for the cake.
ANGLE ON: A wedding-size cake is wheeled out for Gerhardt with a big “25” written in icing on it. Jenna stands bravely by him, dabbing sweat from his brow with a napkin.
JENNA
(re: cake, shocked) You’re twenty-five?
GERHARDT
Yes, can you believe it? Finally
old enough to rent a car.
He laughs at his joke. It sounds like an animal dying.
GERHARDT (CONT’D) *
Ghaaaaak Aghaaakagh! Oh, it
feels good to laughI
The band segues into the European version of “Happy Birthday”
and everyone starts singing to Gerhardt in German. Jenna, *
trying to look regal, just mouths the words.
ANGLE
ALL
2UM GEBURTSTAG VIEL GLUCK, ZUM GEBURTSTAG VIEL GLtJCK,
ZUM GEBURTSTAG, LIEBE GERHARDT,
ZUM GEBURTSTAG, VIEL GLUCK. *
Jack and Liz notice each other singing in German.
JACK
Sie sprechen Deutsch?
[subtitled: You speak German?]
LIZ
NatUrlich. Ich denke, dass es die
schönste Sprache in der Welt isti
(subtitled: I think it is the most
beautiful language in the woridi]
Jack notices Jenna with Gerhardt.
JACK
1st Jenna mit Gerhardt?
[subtitled: Is Jenna with
Gerhardt?) *
LIZ GeförgenbergengeheirnnissFremdheit— Mittelbachenborg.
[subtitled: Yeah.)
Jack sees Bianca giving Gerhardt a birthday kiss and he immediately stops smiling. Liz notices this.
CUT
18 INT. BATHROOM SAME TIME
Pete is washing his hands. He splashes some water on his face. The bathroom door locks. He turns and sees Vikki.
PETE
Oh my God. Vikki, this is the
men’s room.
VIMCI
I know, but I really wanted to talk to you.
Vikki immediately tries to take her shirt off.
PETE
No, no, no. You don’t need to do that. So we should get back to the party, right?
(way too high-pitched) I mean, should we?
VIKKI
I’ve never done it in a men’s room
before. In this building.
Vikki takes her shirt off. Pete is now in unchartered waters. Mesmerized, he unconsciously takes a step toward her.
PETE (lost)
Oh wow. You’re... smooth.
KENNETH (O.C.) Hornberger1
PETE
(looking around) Kenneth?
Pete notices Kenneth in an air conditioning vent high on the wall behind him.
KENNETH
You’re making the biggest mistake
of your life Don’t do itl
Tracy appears in a vent on the other side of the wall. Pete now has an angel and a devil literally over his shoulders.
PETE
And I suppose you’re here to tell
me I should do it.
TRACY
No I’m trying to get to the
lobby. But yeah, you should do itI
KENNETH TRACY
Pete, think of your childrenl I think I took a wrong turn You’re a better man than by the “Dateline” studioi thisI
A clear-headed Pete turns to Vikki.
PETE
I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I
really love my wife.
(to Tracy)
My wife isn’t a “Delilah,” Tracy.
TRACY
That’s beautiful. I feel you, Hornberger.
Pete exits. Kenneth looks victorious. Tracy reacts, startled.
TRACY (CONT’D) Who’s tickling my foot?
(giggling uncontrollably) Dotcom, stop it! Stop!
19 INT. HOTEL BAR - A LITTLE LATER Liz is getting a drink.
LIZ
Just water, please.
CUT
Bianca appears out of nowhere. She is unexpectedly aggressive.
BIANCA
So are you going to marry him?
LIZ
Oh, hi, what?
BIANCA
Are you going to marry Jack?
Liz decides to lie.
LIZ
Oh, I don’t know. We’ve talked
about it.
BIA1CA
I can tell from the way he looks at you that he’s serious. He’ll get you pregnant right away, I’m sure. Get a little late-in-life baby he can parade around Nantucket. The whole thing makes me want to vomit.
LIZ (bailing)
Oh, no, you know what
Bianca bursts into tears. Liz is shocked.
BIANCA
I can handle the models and the Rockettes and the Shakira of it all, because I know ultimately they’ll leave hint. But you could actually make him happy. And that makes me want to sit on a knife.
Wow.
LIZ
BIANCA
I can’t stand seeing Jack Donaghy
happy.
She tears a cloth napkin in half. Liz reacts.
CUT
20 INT. HOTEL BALLROOM HEAD TABLE - CONTINUOUS 20
Gerhardt introduces Jenna to a VALKYRIAN OLDER WOMIN and a
TALL GAUNT YOUNGER
GERHARDT
Jenna, this is my mother —— Aunt Josephine —— and her sonsband, Egon.
Josephine and Egon smile and move on. Gerhardt places his ivory hand on her knee.
JENNA (to herself)
GERHARDT *
Oh, Jenna, this is almost like
something out of a fairy tale.
Yes.
JENNA
Almost.
CUT
21 INT. UPPER
Liz rushes
LEVEL
up to
STAIRWELL - SANE TIME 21
Jack who is at a table lost in thought.
Great
LIZ
newsI Bianca is neither *
happy nor normal.
JACK
You don’t have to do this, Lemon.
LIZ
I’m telling you. She’s not over you. And get this: she’s all jealous of me! She busted out crying over it.
JACK That’s impossible.
Liz notices Bianca across the way.
*
LIZ
Fine. You don’t believe me? I’ll
go over there and tell her that you
just proposed to me and you watch her. Watch how red her face gets.
Liz strides back across the way toward Bianca. We see this conversation from Jack’s POV [far away]. Liz approaches Bianca and pulls her aside. She says something to Bianca who becomes very agitated and... slaps Liz across the face. Jack perks up. Could it be true? Bianca starts to choke Liz.
She breaks a champagne bottle over a chair and lunges at Liz before others finally drag her away. As she is being pulled away, she kicks Liz, knocking her [stunt double] down the stairs.
LIZ (CONT’D) Son of a bitchi!
JACK (smiling)
Well, what do you know?
CUT TO:
A2 1
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - HEAD TABLE CONTINUOUS A21
Jenna and Gerhardt are at the head table. *
GERHARDT *
Jenna, I know we just met, but I
think I love you. Do you love me?
JENNA
(beat then, softly)
Nm-hm.
GERHARDT (thrilled)
Wunderbar und plowchopsl
(then)
Liebchen, I know your love for me blinds you to this... but I am hideous. I have been trapped in this body, in constant agony, for twenty—five long years. But knowing I have the love of a
beautiful woman... has set me free.
JENNA
I think you just lost an eyebrow.
Gerhardt isn’t listening but he has lost an eyebrow. He hoists a champagne glass.
GERHARDT To freedoml To usl
He drains the glass.
GERHARDT (CONT’D) *
Thank you, dear Jenna. And good—
bye.
JENNA “Goodbye”? Why goodbye?
Gerhardt just smiles a bussed-out smile. Tomas notices the *
empty glass and panics.
TOMAS
Who let him drink champagne? He
cannot metabolize grapes1 Somebody
call Dr. Spaceman
CUT TO:
22 INT. HOTEL BAR - CONTINUOUS 22
Jack is holding a napkin full of ice to Liz’s face.
JACK
How’s your vision? Anything blurry?
LIZ
No. But I think she pulled out a patch of my hair.
JACK No
(then)
Oops. Yeah, there it is.
Jenna passes through, panicked.
JENNA
We gotta boogie, gang.
CUT
A22 INT. HOTEL BALLROOJ’ - HEAD TABLE CONTINUOUS
A22
A tearful Tomas over Gerhardt who is slumped over in his
*
chair.
TOMAS
Mein darnen und herreni The
Hapsburg line.., has ended! You
can pick up your gift bags at coat
check! [ALT. Your host is in a
coma! Please pick up your gift
bags at coat check!]
23 INT. ELEVATOR BANK SAME TIME
CUT
23
Pete is waiting for an elevator. Tracy walks up with girls including Vikki and Super-size.
TRACY
That’s inspiring what you did back
there, Hornberger. You’re strong
now. When your wife gets home you
gonna mess it up?
PETE
Actually... I think I might.
some
The elevator dings and opens.
Let’s go
TRACY
Everyone except for Pete gets on the elevator.
TRACY (CONT’D) You going down, Pete?
PETE
I’ll take the stairs.
Pete exits. Kenneth approaches from stage with his bag and jumps on the elevator.
KENNETH Hold the door, ma’am
As the doors close, Super-size puts her arm around a pleasantly-puzzled Kenneth.
SUPER-SIZE You look like a baby.
CUT
TO:
24 EXT. LIZ’S APARTMENT BUILDING
Jack is dropping Liz off. He
Bianca’s night.
NIGHT 24
is flying high over ruining
*
Well, Sorry
LIZ
thanks for a fun night.
your friend died.
JACK
You know, when Gerhardt was born
the doctors told his Mother and
Cousin that Gerhardt would either *
live for fifteen minutes or a
hundred years.
(MORE)
JACK (CONTD) (chuckling with pride)
He proved them all wrong.
Jack exits into Liz’s lobby. Liz reacts.
LIZ (sarcastic)
No, please, come in.
CUT TO:
25 INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT HALLWAY MOMENTS LATER 25
Jack and Liz have arrived at her door.
JACK
And the look on Bianca’s face right before she choked you... It was
the most satisfying --
LIZ
It was pretty good.
Liz opens her door.
*
CUT
26 INT. LIZ’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 26
Liz enters. Jack enters behind her, still talking.
JACK
I mean, just knowing she’s filled
with bile about me warms my heart.
LIZ
Atta boy. There’s the Jack Donaghy
I know.
She punches him in the shoulder. Jack absentmindedly inspects her apartment. He picks up a pair of Spanx laying over the back of a chair.
JACK
What are these? Bike shorts?
Liz grabs them, embarrassed, and throws them across the room.
LIZ Knock it off.
JACK
Thank you, Lemon, for showing me
that I could have a pleasant
evening with a woman my age.
LIZ
I’m twelve years younger than you.
JACK
With a woman your age, then.
A beat. Jack leans in intimately and puts his hands gently around Liz’s neck. Liz’s eyes go wide.
LIZ Jack, wait.
He takes the borrowed necklace off her neck.
LIZ (CONT’D) (relieved)
Oh, thank God. I thought you were—
JACK
What?1 Good Lord, Lemon, let it go. It’s not going to happen.
JACK (CONT’D) LIZ
I’ve been with beauty queensi Fine! I get it. Just get
Pilates instructors out of here so I can take my
Acrobatsl shoes off!
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
